E is for Euphoria

Just to prove that life isn't all miserable (but it's pretty hard tbh) - there is a flipside to the dysphoria I wrote about last time - the yin to the debilitating yang. Once again, Gender Euphoria is a variable for all trans people, and there are some misconceptions to get over - for me at least.

What's the musical interlude for this one? Well, in equal parts a joyful piece of music and also a love letter to European Unity, something which has advanced human rights and dignity for decades and which we are now temporarily (I absolutely believe) are leaving. [No more politics - this is a happy sort of post after all]

So - cut to the chase, what does gender euphoria feel like for me? - In a word 'peace' - a resolution of the internal and external, even if for a few minutes or hours - there are a few cues for this and they're not consistent (or not as consistent as I'd like).

My face - I'm still learning how to apply my own; it's definitely not something which comes naturally - and I never got to be a teenage girl, experimenting and learning that it always looks worse before you're done. For years, I went with red lipsticks and dark blue eyeliners, and frankly, it made everything feel worse. So not too long ago I went to have a makeover and makeup lesson - it was something of a make or break and my mental health was at a pretty low ebb. I needed to know if there was ever going to be any chance of looking in the mirror without revulsion I'd need to know if I could match my soul to my face.

I went to a service for people on the trans spectrum, which is run by a trans woman; which made me feel at ease - she asked what look I wanted and I now realise that her client list includes people who want drag styles, glamour and everything inbetween - all I could say is that I wanted to look 'pretty'

Watching the process was painful too - the process of putting on foundation if you've never done it before is counter intuitive; you lose everything as you put on the undercoat, but then the magic started, bringing out the features of my face that I've never been able to see; my eyes, my cheekbones (more of them later) and the femininine shape of my face, long hidden under a big 'beard of denial' and the effects of 6st of extra padding. Seeing my eye makeup told me that I wouldn't always hate myself, and when the hair was added and I was asked to open my eyes for the 'reveal' I felt an almost physical sense of relief pass over my body - I can only describe it as being like a massive weight being taken off my chest - genuine and entirely emotional - the sense of looking in a mirror and liking yourself is something that most people have experience of - I never had until that day - I very nearly ruined my makeup with tears.

It wasn't yet 'me' but it was a girl, and the girl who never saw herself in the same way she saw herself in her head finally had some congruity - it was a moment I will never forget. I permitted myself to think of hopes and dreams I'd put into boxes in my head - could I face the world as me? By my own hand previously, that had never been a possibility, but now it was real.

Is it all about hair and makeup? - Not at all, but it's definitely a sense of euphoria to get it right - I'm learning to do it myself and getting over the need for absolute perfection; because who manages perfection every day right? Finding my own 'style' has also been a source of euphoria - being able to pick out an outfit that I like, and wear it openly - not as a means of exhibitionism, but just because it's something I wanted to wear. For other women that's such a smal, given thing each morning - and this could mean jeans, leggings, dress, skirt or (and you know who you are) pyjamas and slippers to drive the car to the office. For me, and many other trans women we have to put on clothes we hate - like being in a never ending run of a dreadful play.

I always had a dream of going for coffee with a friend and just chatting, leaving lipstick on my coffee cup and not having to play that part any more; so when I decided to have my first trip out in public, this was exactly what I wanted to do - so starbucks it was. In the runup to the day I was super nervous - what would happen when I was on the street as Emily, allowing others to see and judge me - by this point I'd found my 'style' and liked it, I'd also settled on hair close to my own (original) colour and again had help to look natural. When the time came to go out the front door my nerves evaporated, I wanted to run outside and be openly me - this in itself was a sign of euphoria - i strongly suspect that the feelings are similar to those that a long term prisoner has on being released from gaol. We walked along the Thames in a part of London that has always been a favourite of mine, and I garnered no attention whatsoever - which on the one hand was fabulous but on the other I felt surprised that nobody was looking to admire my choice of outfit - I felt great - why did nobody see that?! - Looking back I think that the confidence that finally being me was something of a suit of armour - confidence is hard for trans people, but, I think essential in living openly.

Seeing the 'me' for the first time - my style, my hair, my face.

Let's go outside, as George Michael sang

Fulfilling a dream

Euphoria in a starbucks cup

Yes - seeing my cup with those marks on it gave me a sense of massive euphoria - I was doing a normal thing that had been denied to me for years; what did I talk about? - It hardly matters, but as my friend was also my makeup teacher we talked eyeliner, lipstick, bags, shoes and living in London - my friend is not British - in other words a normal, ordinary conversation between two women out for a coffee.

Back from being out out for the first time - real happiness.

Euphoria also comes when I hear my own name spoken by someone who sees 'me' - even if it's not obvious. In my head I have been Emily (Ems) for 20 something years, but it's always been a secret - to have that as something people say to me or message me with is always a joy - it's who I am. I have a lovely friend who presents a local radio show (not local to me - but I love it anyway and thanks to the internet I have listened in Tokyo!) - she called my name out and played a record for me one Saturday Morning and I smiled for the whole day (You can tune in too - Saturday Mornings on http://frome.fm/)

Euphoria when it comes is like water in a desert, food in a famine and I love it all the more for the rarity.

So - not all misery and pain - being Trans can also be great.