J is for 'Journey'

Loads of people say - 'remember it's a marathon, not a sprint' when I talk about the slow pace of my transition. I have to bite back the response that I've been running this marathon all my life - albeit wearing a diving suit! - But there is a point, and one that my cis friends and readers probably aren't aware of. Transitioning is a long process - when one chooses to 'go full time' does, of course, vary - and to a certain extent is dictated by the individual - their hopes, expectations, what effect testosterone has had on them - as well as how well they can deal with waiting on the changes that medical transition can bring.

Music for today is by, naturally!, Journey - my favourite of theirs.

I'm a project manager by profession and as you'd expect have a plan for transition mapped out in a gantt chart (I know I know). And for anyone reading who knows anything about project management, to complete a gantt chart you need to know a few basic things. What needs to be done, how long it will take, who is involved and how much it will cost. I'm not going to hit costs today, it makes me too sad! - But I thought I'd lay out the things that need to be considered when transitioning from male to female in appearance.

1. Body hair

Not all trans women are cursed with this - I certainly am, the growth of facial and body hair is initiated in male puberty driven by our old friend testosterone. as you'll recall from my previous post this is a serious point of dysphoria for me, and on a practical basis makes my comfort in being full time nearly impossible. I would need to shave half way through the day, reapply makeup and continue using a strong beard cover foundation - which can be thick and uncomfortable. To get rid of it to an extent of feeling comfortable HRT will help a little in slowing down the growth, but I will also need 7, 4/6 weekly spaced sessions of laser hair removal - this will do a good job on the black and dark hair but the greys (so many of them!) will need follow ups of electrolysis. Friends who are further down the line have gone through in excess of 100 hours of this and still have many more to go. Body hair will definitely slow down, but again, a course of laser hair removal is also essential to stop the coarse, dark hair I am 'blessed with' - this will take many months and is quite painful as well.

2. Body shape changes

Starting with the obvious: boobs - these take between 3-6 months to start to change at all - all the advice provided when starting HRT warns us that we should not expect anything more than an A or B cup - which given my frame will not be very well sized for me - so I am looking at the potential of augmentation in the future - although this does not come with the same restrictions that GRS (genital reassigment surgery) does of living in gender role for 2 years, there are still hoops to jump through, and it's not cheap (none of this is) - so in effect I cannot expect to have my chest in a place I would like it to be for about two years.

I also have no hips or bum - HRT will help somewhat with this, redistributing fat, but again this is a 6 months to start and potentially 2+ years programme. If at all (everybody is different)

My face is not to boy-like - which is a blessing, and so the feminisation of fat redistribution will be a bonus that I don't put into my plan - for some women though, the need for FFS (Facial Feminisation Surgery) is real - reducing the brow ridge, improving the jawline, changing the hairline (mine has retreated too far for that) - but again, if needed that is time and considerable cost.

3. Head hair

In contrast with the surfeit of body hair, testosterone in its' perverse way has thinned out the hair on my head, making it impractical to just grow it out. HRT may help turn the tide on the recently lost hair mostly at the crown of my head - again no promises, but the receding hairline is gone forever. The only chance I have to not need a wig (lots of money!) for the rest of my life is a hair transplant - these take typically 3-6 months to set up and from a cost perspective are better done overseas - turkey or south east asia - that's some way off on my plan.

4. Legal paperwork

It's actually easy (in the UK at least) to change your name by deed poll - and is also free - but the process of changing names with the 7 million places who know you by your deadname is a hassle. Obviously I haven't started that process yet, but it starts with driving licence and passport - doctor's letter required and copy of deedpoll - then banks, utilities, work, paypal (that's the worst apparently), and anyone else I've transacted with and want to carry on transacting with - it can take literally years, as there will always be somewhere that's been forgotten. Then we get to the thorny item of GRC (Gender recognition certificate) - a byzantine process which involves parties you've never met assessing if you are a woman or not, based on reports from doctors at your own expense. Such a certificate simply means that for all purposes your gender is recorded as female - from birth certificate onwards - it is not, as some in the media would have it, some sort of licence to molest. Arguably it's not required - but is certainly something I want and believe will give me completion - it will be righting a wrong; but it's so far in the future as to be a distant 'phase 2' element (as we say in the project world)

5. GRS

Yeah - I have to mention this - GRS is one of the lines on the plan, again, you shouldn't assume it's the same for all trans women; but for me, it has become more of an issue since coming out. On the NHS I can on current timescales expect between 5-6 years to get to the front of the very significant queue - and outcomes are not as good as I would like, which leaves me with the option of going overseas - this will require at least a year of living 'in gender' and to have full written diagnoses of dysphoria from two doctors - plus a lot of cash, a 4-6 week stay overseas and a further 4 weeks or so of recovery.

There's a load of ancilliary stuff to add that I won't put here, frankly it's too depressing. But yes, a marathon to run with a finisher's medal at the end of it.

And if you're thinking - 'jeez, that's a lot to do' - you're right, and it is yet another highlight as to why being trans is not a 'choice' - but something totally existential.