L is for 'Lockdown'

Well, it's been nearly a month since I last blogged - partly because it's been so busy (I haven't been furloughed and was really unwell over the Easter weekend) - and partly because; during the lockdown I am effectively back in the closet, which is really tough.

Music choice? Well - there's only one song on my playlist right now, it's a beautiful song (the original was brilliant, but this is another level)

So - it's tough for everyone, this lockdown isn't it? - yes it is, undoubtedly (except those who think the rules don't apply to them) - But somehow it feels worse than I see people generally report; in this I realise I could be wrong I can only speak for the difficulties it's posed for me personally.

As you'll have read - if you've gotten this far with me I am a recently 'out' trans woman, yes I'm out but not 'full time' yet - having just started HRT and still dealing with family issues - by issues I mean that my family life is disintegrating. I am staring down the loss of my family, my home and everything that I saw as normal for so many years. There's a lot of hurt in my home right now, and the release valve of being out of the house, of being able to be my real self has been taken away, and it's still not clear when this will come back. I've tried to keep positive and move forward; I've had my name changed on corporate systems, email etc. which is a massive help. I was already out at work, and my employer has been super supportive, but it got to a stage where hearing my old name was getting quite painful.

I changed my avatar on the work systems as part of Trans Day of Visibility; initially intending to change it back the next day, but when the next day came, I found I couldn't do it. I want to be seen, I want to be valid as the person I am, and that's something my colleagues and employer have given to me; and after many years of denial and trying to 'fit in' - it's something I can't let go of - Identity is something very deep and when it's been pushed aside for so long doubly so.

If you read the plethora of blogs, posts and articles, you'll see some common themes to aid mental health during this strange time; many of them centre around self care - defined simply as doing things for yourself which centre you and make you feel better. Many of those options are off limits to me given the circumstances I am living in - many of those actions are on the face of it quite superficial - nail care, personal beauty routines, dealing with body hair (a bigger issue for early transition women, particularly when laser hair removal has stopped) - but in and of themselves they are part of the action of demonstrating self worth - none of which are currently possible. That takes a toll on already fragile mental health.

Something else which takes a toll on mental health is the strangely relentless train of transphobic commentary which - despite the current global emergency seems to still take it's place in public discourse.

Within days of the pandemic taking hold, a comment was widely circulated which noted that the Coronavirus appears to be more deadly to men, and that as a result that this would prove some sort of reckoning to trans women; quite apart from the crass use of this piece of data as a tool to demonise a tiny already marginalised group, take a moment to think about the implication of what is being said; this group celebrate the fact that trans women may be more likely to die from a vicious disease - and it wasn't just a twitter keyboard warrior who posited this - it was heartily taken up by 'journalists' with national publications. Why are we hated so much? It's hard to process and doubly so when we are worrying for our families and friends - by the time this pandemic has been conquered, it is unlikely that any of us will not know someone taken by this disease - the lack of humanity is beyond shocking.

In addition to this assault on such a small community, a week ago the government minister for Women and Equality (!) in a statement to her select committee signalled that she intended to push forward with a rollback of the human rights of transgender people. Her intentions included the withdrawal of Gillick competence for trans youth - preventing young trans people from accessing gender affirming healthcare - removing all agency from a group more prone to self harm and suicide than any other cohort. She also signalled her intention to protect 'single sex spaces' - a removal of the rights of trans people to do such things as urinate in a toilet relevant to their gender. By extension she says that I should utilise the gents when I look like this:

She didn't elaborate as to what in detail she was protecting, but channelled an old trope that trans women are men who dress as women simply to gain either sexual excitement or access to women in bathrooms. Why would she think this? What evidence is there for this? There are, of course a few examples of criminal behaviour by trans people, and these cannot but be condemned - criminal behaviour is criminal behaviour and trans people have no special priveleges in this regard, but the response and reaction is akin to prohibiting all cisgender women from teaching because a cisgender female teacher sexually assaulted a pupil - or as is more widespread, that all men be disbarred from all work on the basis that (a significantly greater proportion of men have been convicted of sexual assault and rape). This US assessment of sexual assault of transgender people makes for stark reading:

Within the LGBTQ community, transgender people and bisexual women face the most alarming rates of sexual violence. Among both of these populations, sexual violence begins early, often during childhood.

The 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey found that 47% of transgender people are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.

Among people of color, American Indian (65%), multiracial (59%), Middle Eastern (58%) and Black (53%) respondents of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey were most likely to have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime

Nearly half (48 percent) of bisexual women who are rape survivors experienced their first rape between ages 11 and 17.

For LGBTQ survivors of sexual assault, their identities – and the discrimination they face surrounding those identities – often make them hesitant to seek help from police, hospitals, shelters or rape crisis centers, the very resources that are supposed to help them.

85 percent of victim advocates surveyed by the NCAVP reported having worked with an LGBTQ survivor who was denied services because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey found that one in five (20%) respondents who were incarcerated in jail, prison, or juvenile detention in the past year were sexually assaulted by facility staff during that time. Additionally, 17% of respondents who stayed at one or more homeless shelters in the past year were sexually assaulted at the shelter because they were transgender

I ask the question: who requires protection from whom? And why, during a period of international emergency is energy being expended on the denial of basic human rights? The answer is simple, ignorance and bigotry.

So - when you ask a trans person how they are coping, think of two things: Their personal situation - especially for trans youth and secondly - the societal position. You may not be able to have any influence on the former, but you can certainly influence the latter. It's a difficult time for us all, please don't be part of making it harder.