'P' is for Penitence

Penitence - an interesting word; Oxford reckons it means "the action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong". It may be because on one side of my family there's an inground Irish Catholic need to repent and confess - or more likely just who I am, but the feeling that my transition requires confession and apology runs strong in me.

Elton can take the reins for this one...

First off - a reiteration; being Trans was not a choice for me, as it isn't for anyone - any more than being ginger or left handed, but it unquestionably has an impact on others around me - and some of those are people I love very much indeed.

What am I sorry for? - Lots of things - some of which I am unquestionably sorry for myself - I can't help that - might save those for the 'R' post.

I'm sorry to my parents for not telling them when I knew who I was for sure at 11 - as much as I didn't believe that they would have understood or supported me, I denied them that choice back then. This leaves them with a lot of unanswerable 'what ifs' - and a lot of imponderables that we would probably not come to the same conclusion on approach and outcomes - but I know it hurts them now. I won't use this blog to offer excuses - but maybe explain myself - to articulate the reasons for why I did what I did.

In this instance it was on the back of the trip to the shrink in Hammersmith (posts passim) - it was made clear to 1987 edition Ems that articulating those words 'I'm a girl' was a very bad idea, and whilst I knew I could avoid that guy in the future I couldn't fathom avoiding or losing my family - just like now I wanted to be loved, and I figured that I needed to try and be who people thought I was to get that (this is a common theme) - by not telling my mum and dad I robbed them of the chance to make that choice and in effect shared with them 7 years of the pain I suffered until I turned 18 and it was all on me. I think also, looking back, dealing with dysphoria and transphobia (a lot of it internalised at that point) was undoubtedly a contributor to my sullen, sad demeanour for all those years - my parents definitely paid the price for that.

I'm sorry.

I'm also sorry to my wife. It is clear that things are coming to an end now, and I don't blame her for that. She is not a lesbian, or bisexual and it would be unreasonable and bizarre to expect her to change that. I am sorry that I did not have the courage to tell her when we met and fell in love that I was trans and closeted; I think I knew her likely response to this, and I was frightened of it. I had never (and have never) loved anyone like that, and the thought of losing that love persuaded me that I could live my life in the guise of the man she saw. I believed it, i felt a happiness I'd never felt and was sure that I could keep Emily in a box - locked away forever. That was naive and ridiculous. I didn't know that then, but I do now. I'm not sorry for the happy years we had together or for our family, but for the pain I now see I am profoundly sorry. I am sorry that she discovered my identity, rather than me explaining it to her; that was not what I wanted to happen, she deserved a conversation when it became clear to me that I could no more carry on pretending to be a man than fly to the moon in my car, but I didn't have the courage to have that conversation. I am sorry for a multitude of other things, but those are most definitely between us. She deserved and deserves a man who can give her the love she is worthy of. I just want her to be happy.

I am sorry

I am sorry that this is a tough situation for my daughter. I am not going to say more than that here - that's a conversation we still need to have between us - and it may take a long time to work through.

I am sorry

And to my friends and work colleagues - I am sorry that you have had to re-evaluate your friendships and relationship with me; you made friends with someone who wasn't able to be honest about themselves, and that's a bad foundation for a friendship. For those who have stuck with me, thank you, it means a lot, but I also recognise that it's not been an easy thing to reconcile. To all of you thinking 'there she goes again on trans issues' - I understand, I fear becoming a 'trans bore' - but I am frightened, I want people to understand me and the community better. I hope it will become unnecessary eventually; but I'm sorry you're having to hear it now.

I am sorry

I think I have a lot of years of feeling this sense of guilt - which replaces a different guilt I've carried for a long time.

Finally I am sorry for this rather downbeat post. I've had a few weeks of public positivity, which means that this introspection was rather inevitable - and being selfish - it helps to write it down.