V is for 'Vanish'
- Emily
- Feb 2
- 3 min read
Which is what I have done from this blog - it's the same old story really - people start a blog and then they run out of puff - or go off to do something else. I did a bit of both.
But I still have a soft spot for this, the first place that Emily got to find her voice, all those years ago. So here's a song that the meaning of (via the band) will become more obvious.
I had a lot of dreams when I came out, one of them was to survive - and in doing so was to get on and live. And I have lived, more than in my first 43 years; but the last few have been hard - the external environment has become more appalling every day and while we fight and have our moments as a community, it's tiring to face into bigotry every day, and frankly it's bad for our health. It's bad for my health. Which is where I need to bring people up to date.
If you only know me from here, I have changed a little since I last posted selfies etc. Here's me at the start of January in a hospital room awaiting an elective surgery I have been waiting for for a very long time.
I'm about 120lbs lighter than when I last blogged here, or at least I was when this was taken, and have been more active than for years - cycling 20+km each evening on the static bike and having rediscovered my love of the South Downs and walking in the hills. Being able to access this particular surgery was to be a mid-way treat - something to make my body get in line on the way to an end goal; it took a year of discussions to sort out the referral, find the surgeon and agree a date. A tough year personally and professionally. But....
As I was about to head to the operating theatre, the Anaesthetist came in and asked for another blood pressure reading - which turned out to be very high indeed - higher than even pre surgery anxiety would account for. So he asked for an ECG, which is where my world started to fold up. They discovered an arythmia in my heart - in effect my heart was doing the equivalent of Dave Brubeck style time variations - which is lovely in the sense of Jazz but sub optimal in the case of one's custard tart.
I had no symptoms, but something was very badly wrong - the surgery was postponed until this can be sorted out. I was distraught.
I managed to get an urgent appointment with the cardiologist, and had my blood pressure meds increased - but as yet it has not come down.
The cardiologist has looked at my ECG, and deciphering his letter - in which he gives me a diagnosis of being a 'delightful 49 year old lady' he alludes to the fact that my ECG suggests that there may have been, what we would call a 'heart attack' in my recent past. We will only know more on that once I have had further tests. But at the very least, I need to lose even more weight (no mid loss surgery for me) and will then need to have my Heart stopped and restarted to see if it can be persuaded to go back into rhythm. There's no guarantee and until it's sorted, no elective surgeries either.
To say that I am finding this hard would be an understatement - I can now feel that there is something wrong with my heart; in a way that seemed alien to me as recently as Christmas. I'm struggling with things I enjoyed, like social media - because I can't deal with people discussing their surgeries ad nauseum or showing their progress. While I am genuinely happy for them, I am struggling to deal with the sense of being left behind (I am also trying not to lose my shit with some of the 'leaders' of the community who keep providing succour to our enemies with gatekeeping and efforts to pull up the ladder behind them).
So there's my update, I am miserable and not very well at all. I am finding some solace in unplugging from things - an irony as I find myself getting plugged into medical devices. And finding solace in an analogue life - writing by hand, listening to records on vinyl and doing things with my hands. I also remember how I liked sharing things - so I am going to try and move this blog into talking more about my analogue adventures and obsessions.
I am under no illusions that it will be of any interest to anyone, but it may help me.
And fuck knows, I need the help
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