'H' is for Hope

"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings" - Elie Wiesel

I've made a lot of reflective posts here; looking back on a life that had an underlying sense of hopelessness about it. Again, it's important to say here and now that it doesn't mean a life devoid of happiness - there are so many memories I have which are incredibly happy thoughts about - usually, almost exclusively, related to my family and the times we have had together - it's very tough right now - but I am pondering my hopes for the future

Music here is the incomparable Gregory Porter - whatever happens in my life the love I feel for my family and friends will never die, and that gives me hope that the love they have or had for me may not die either.

So what are my hopes for the future? - Some are personal, some are broader than that.

I hope that my family will come to accept who I really am - and always have been, I hope they will forgive me for not being able to tell them about it until I got to breaking point, I hope they will see the loving person that I am just getting better at being human freed of the weight of shame, embarrassment and guilt. Most of all I hope that they will see that my love for them is unconditional.

I hope that the changes I have seen in society are not temporary - despite the backlash and social media amplified screaming - my experiences coming out at work and in being visibly me in public have been affirming - most people at worst don't give a toss about you going about your business, they recognise that you're just a human being doing human things and that you are no likely to be out to harm people than any other human. I hope that those moments of affirmation and love continue to happen - like my last time out with friends.

I hope that HRT does for me what I want it to do - what is that? I'm quite well practiced at describing it now, as, despite what you might read, it's not a simple thing to get that magic prescription. I hope that my brain chemistry starts to settle into something approaching normal, I hope that those elements of my body which trigger crippling dysphoria and anxiety change enough to be manageable, I hope that research and trials into the use of HRT for transgender people stops getting stuck in bigoted 'legitimate concern' transphobic quagmires and that we're not stuck in the limbo of 'no research' and 'no research planned'

I hope that the friends I have made in coming out stay with me through my regular meltdowns, I hope that they too find peace in themselves and don't succumb to the dreadful abuse we all suffer. I hope most of all that by becoming visible in the world as a happy, ordinary woman who happens also to be transgender that no other person need live with fear and guilt; I especially hope that children who know that they are 'different' are listened to with compassion and love and that support is given to them to prevent the terrible damage that the wrong puberty brings.

I hope that I can be freed of seeing 'him' in my photographs and in the mirror - I don't like him, I never felt like him and I'm not a very good 'him' either.

I hope that the politics of the world moves away from authoritarianism and populism - I hope that people realise that we all bleed the same, that we all inhabit this one planet and that there is no plan b - or planet b. The tide of charlatans with simple 'answers' to complex problems is a fertiliser for bigotry and the 'othering' of minorities - we've seen it before and know how it ends.

I hope I survive this and get to live.